notes

Listening

Bad Listeners

Why

When you don’t listen, you end up alienate people

  1. We always interrupt
    • e.g. you have a context about what person is talking and you want to share it
  2. We’re nervous
    • thinking about response
  3. We don’t agree
    • we starting debating

Signs

  1. Interrupting.
  2. Changing topics.
    • especially when the topic is important for the person you are talking with
  3. Debating before people finished they thoughts.

Prepare for high-stakes conversation

  1. Pick the right environment
  2. Identify the right time so that the other participant is ready to talk about it
  3. Be ready to focus

Listen effectively

  1. Be mindful of body language
    • smiling
    • making eye contact frequently
    • adopting an open posture: for example, leaning forward towards the speaker demonstrate your interest
    • not leaning back in your chair with your arms crossed in from of you as if to say ‘Come on then, interest me’
  2. DO NOT INTERRUPT
    • You gain nothing from interrupting
    • Take notes
    • Focus on breathing
  3. Pause to think of questions, rather than formulating them in your mind while the speaker is talking.
    • Small pauses for thought can reassure your speaking partner that you are engaged by what they have said.
  4. Ask open-ended questions
  5. Use the “help me understand” approach
    • Can you tell me more?
    • OK, got on please.
    • Gotcha.
    • Why is that?
  6. Develop empathy.
    • Try to gain a deeper understanding of how the speaker feels.
  7. Assimilate, restate, and show you understand the impact
    • Can I just clarify? You’re saying that…
    • My understanding is that …
    • Let me make sure I’ve got this right; you’re saying …
    • So let’s recap on what has been said and agreed.
  8. Do not take people’s language to the extreme
    • it’s especially common, when we are criticized
  9. Ask them for possible solutions
    • do not provide people with solutions until they asked
  10. Build on what has been said
    • What you said about… is really interesting. I think we should discuss this more.

How to listen when someone annoys you

  1. They may be passionate about the topic, but you are not.
    • try to connect with their passition, e.g. by slightly switching the topic of discussion
  2. They may not think you’re listening
    • Restate their point
  3. They may be angry
    • If you’re at fault, apologize.
    • If you’re not at fault, understand what they need.
  4. They may have a varying worldview.
    • Listen and discover.